Hello universal beings! While I know you don’t all come here to increase your personal safety, today I have troubling news about a disturbing individual loose in the Ultimate Galactic Universe. This being is a serious predator, criminally insane and recently escaped from the UGH Winfredrique Dollop Memorial Mental Lockdown Institution. This is a CTTS level facility, Crazier Than Talking Shit, and if you have ever talked to shit, then you have a good idea about crazy. Due to the extreme danger these criminally insane inmates/patients pose to the universe, the facility’s location is undisclosed to the public. In fact, the location of the Institution is so secret, even the employees are unsure where it is, which may account for the lax security which led to the breakout.
While no less than thirty beings escaped, most have been rounded up and are being held at alternate locations until they find Winfredrique again. It has a nasty habit of moving around a bit, since the facility was programmed to be secret, so when someone does find it, it likes to shift over a few galaxies and snicker. Okay, I don’t know that it snickers, but I know I would, so it is a realistic assumption.
Notorious villains, such as Humpalot Herbie and Crak Miass were captured rather quickly and did little lasting damage. The infamous Schitter, the ex left half of the Ultimate Universal Gazillionaire Hilep, is still at large and believed to have returned to his old crew of Space Pirates causing mayhem along the fringes of the Universe. Schitter suffers from severe split personality disorder as a result of his other half gaining the decisive victory in the divorce decree which ordered Hilep Schitter’s body cut down the middle and the personality to be split between the two. While they each received an equal share of the physical real estate, Hilep managed to win the better half of his nature in the decree, leaving most of the negative and criminal traits to Schitter. However, since Hilep’s ex is relatively quiet and focusing on straggling space barges with inadequate security, primarily shipping blue rocks, UGH has set his recapture on the back burner for now.
The real concern is Ingo Ray Moss. Yes, if that name brings shivers to the places that might be inclined to shiver on your body, then you must be from one of the several thousand Industrialized planets he has duped in the past, and he is at it again!
Igno has a rare form of Mega-egomania Narcicism and an unhealthy infatuation with trumpets, which is only expounded by the nature of his species. He is a Turgegon from the Quad III planet Blaqtoust. Turgegons are class 2 shape-shifters, capable of transforming everything on their bodies to fit in with other species aside from their mouth and their anus. Oddly, their mouth looks like an anus and visa versa. These beings tend to keep their mouths hidden in the area where most species keep their buttocks. It is continuously sucking in fear and discontent from its surroundings, digesting it then spewing fecal diatribe is a convincing manner, so as to create more fear and discontent, thus sustaining a continuous feeding ground. It is theorized this is why the species evolved to have its anus appear as a mouth, so as to better coax an unknowing public into listening to its shit. While the species can be difficult enough to manage and, by all accounts, Blaqtoust is number 3 on the list of last places you ever want to go in the Ultimate Universe, Igno developed a nasty case of Mega-egomania Narcisism and a desire for riches. He began like any good Turgegon, with primitive industrialized planets who had not yet realized they were part of a larger space community (tax dodgers). He used a particularly lurid old couch he had acquired in a poker game to go back in time and become his own ancestors, just to ensure citizenship and a margin of wealth on the planet. Once established, he then began interfering in politics through a series of bold actions, rousing discontent among the communities, feeding on their fears and shitting out the words most likely to instigate more hate, fear and discontent. He enjoyed the crowds, the beings willing to fight over him. He loved the protestors as much as the followers and pitted them against each other, instigating brawls and riots. He continued until he eventually, on a surge of hatred in the communities, gained ultimate power. At this point the Nay-Sayers were driven back and the population, while not happy, was not nearly so easily riled into a good dinner. So, his belly rumbling, Igno would quickly bankrupt the planet and abscond with its wealth, looking for his next meal.
Had Mr. Moss just left well enough alone and went on to his next planet, UGH would likely never have bothered, considering these planets were not yet paying taxes and doing their share to support the Ultimate Galactic Universe. However, Igno’s chain of planetary bankruptcies and stolen wealth put these planets behind thousands of years from developing intergalactic space travel, at which point UGH taxes become due. The Tax Authority was most displeased and determined Igno had to be stopped. He decimated over two thousand planets before his capture and has already simultaneously victimized over a hundred planets since his escape. It is believed he has acquired another couch and is using it with wild abandon. Pictures of the fugitive are scarce and relatively useless since he is a shape-shifter, however we have managed to obtain a photo from one of his more recent exploits on a primarily aquatic planet. The image has a clear shot of his notorious anus. If you recognize this anus, please contact UGH Tax Authority immediately.
According to physicians who have not seen him but have seen doctors who have seen him, Igno tends to use aliases on these planets which coincide with his unhealthy fetish with trumpets. He has been known as Trumpfish Schlatter, Trumpet Hughes, Frey don Trumpetter, Sassy Brass and Trumpalump Dumpster. Igno Ray Moss is considered vile, his anus is armed and dangerous. UGH recommends plugging up your ears, should you have ears, or otherwise disabling your audible sensories if you find yourself in his presence, then immediately contact the Tax Authority tip line at the following address with the subject: Igno Ray Moss Spotted.
Or, since there is a significant bounty on this individual, you could alternatively contact Brick Wilson, Special Private Agent, as he could certianly use the money and would happily pay a finder’s fee upon aprehension and bounty collection of the fugative. Contact Brick at the address below and he doesn’t care what subject you use. Include a photograph if you have one.
And be sure to tell him that Jagger sent you so I can get a cut of it, too!